I’m ready, 2020.

I was going to make this post a letter to 2020, but when I first met it this morning, when I woke up, the most beautiful thing began. 
But it didn’t start out beautiful. 
It started in the dark. 
The sun was shining. Things were at peace around me, quiet-
The dark was behind my eyes. My consciousness arose in a slew of twisted and demented thoughts, with no time to fight. Some thoughts, horrible and unnatural and twisted, others telling me that I’m a fraud, that every word I speak and every action I make is a lie I’m telling myself and the people I love.
I have tried everything I could think of to battle these black ideas. Chanting in my head and creating new images to distract myself, to even giving in and bracing myself for shame-
I’ve been doing this for ten years.
Wow. Ten whole years of this.
It was a hard morning, This January 1st, 2020. It was the epitome of my everyday struggle.
I don’t know what’s been wrong with me. I’m not any kind of psychologist, but I’ve been having panic attacks and doubts and things, and it’s been beginning to torment me every day, at this point, the second I become conscious in the morning.
This morning though, it was just one that had me defeated.
When my husband tried to comfort me, the lonely feeling that there is nothing he could do, nothing even I could do, it feels so. utterly. lonely.

I eventually got up got in the shower. I don’t know how many of you all have spiritual moments in the shower, but I tend to. I was so upset in that shower. I’ve never asked God, “Why haven’t you just fixed it??” Not angry like I was. I feel so trapped, all the time. I said, “how could you possibly fix this one?” But God told me that I would be okay.
Look, I know, it didn’t fix anything, but God deeply understood me. He knows what’s going on with me more than I ever could. He told me that this is all for the better of me, that he’s going to use this, and He allowed this so I can share who He is, how He has a plan to rescue me, and that this is the making of a beautiful story.
The beauty was that the first event of the decade- God spoke.
It was stirringly powerful.
I let it rattle the dark thing roaming my head.
This is the year, it dies.