Fear by the Creek.

I’ll be posting this tomorrow, but I thought I’d put it up to show you all early.

I made a post today on instagram talking a slight bit, but I have something weird going on. I am not diagnosed, and I’m not exactly sure, I’m not a professional, but it may be ocd. (My husband has advised, and I agree, its probably best- I am seeing a therapist.) But anyway, this artwork has a story behind it, if it isn’t obvious.

In August, I went on a camping trip with my husband’s family. There was a creek I was rompin’ around in. Joe was fishing, and it was me and Christina (my best friend and Joe’s sister.) She took a nap in a hammock, and, being the fool I am, forgot my hammock, so I decided to go have a good time in nature to myself.

Sitting on a rock, I noticed a distance away on another rock one of those caterpillars I hear rumors were poisonous if you touched them. it was bright and fluffy, and I made a note to keep away from there.

So I sat at the creek. And I prayed.

I know a lot of people probably imagine praying as interlocking your fingers and asking God for forgiveness or help with something- amen. But that’s really not what prayer is. It’s a conversation with God. It’s sitting with him, listening to what he has to say, and when you don’t know what he has to say, or you notice he hasn’t said anything in a while, sometimes it means its time to ask him and listen.

So, in that peaceful moment, with all that I’ve been facing involving the events of my wedding and the doubt and fear that rages in my head, I asked God to tell me something.

Very shortly after that, I heard a distinct- “Go.”

“Go… where?”

“Go.”

I fought it a little- “Where? Like behind me? In front of me? Across the creek- down the creek-?”

“GO.”

So I just… walked forward. There was no goal or objective, he had asked me to wander. So I did.

Eventually, i got to about the middle of the creek. And a stick caught my eye. I felt God tell me to pick it up. So I did.

I walked around with this stick.

“Holy crap, why did he tell me to get this stick?? Will i need it? Why do i need it? Oh no this means I’m gonna have to protect myself–?!”

So yeah I convinced myself he asked me to pick up the stick because I would need it to fight a snake.

But, I pressed on. Kept wandering.

I saw another stick. A thin, bendy, one. It was pretty, and I thought I might take it home, the color and texture were so interesting.

“Pick a stick to throw.”

A little shook, I stared at them, trying to decide. My heart started pounding.

I wanted to throw the first stick. I had convinced myself that it meant I’d be fighting a snake, and if i tossed it, it meant I wouldn’t have to anymore. And I could take this pretty stick home and not worry about fighting a snake.

I didn’t really want to keep the pretty one as much as I wanted to throw the first one.

That’s when God pointed something out to me.

I convinced myself this first stick was for something bad, and now I want to get rid of it because I was scared of what I convinced myself it would bring.

So, in faith, to actively work against this unhealthy thinking, I threw the pretty stick, and kept the one that I had.

I could feel God was proud, but also I felt horribly scared.

But, pressing on.

Big ol’ stick in hand, I came back to where I started. At this point, I had been using the stick to draw on rocks with water.

As I was drawing, a caterpillar poked over the rock. A bright, fluffy caterpillar.

I drew water circles around it, carried it around with the stick, and realized-

I had used this stick for nothing but fun.

And now here I am, calling this little guy a friend, the same caterpillar I warned myself to stay clear of.